How to Say Not to Someone Who Wants to Reconnect - The Muse

How to Say Not to Someone Who Wants to Reconnect - The MuseHow to Say Not to Someone Who Wants to Reconnect People from your past pop up all the time. Whetherbei theyre former colleagues, people you met at networking events, or even acquaintances from your college years, old contacts may surprise you by reaching out to reconnect. This kind of gesture can often be exciting and flattering- though, sometimes, thats not the case. Every now and then, you might receive an invitation to coffee from someone whose presence you havent exactly missed. Think that one-sided relationship that left you feeling used and underappreciated. And if youre worried that old flame will come back to burn you, there are smart ways to remove yourself from the situation before it becomes a problem. Relationships shouldnt be a one-way street. If youve had one thats historically felt that way, then its understandable that you might not jump at the opportunity to be BFFs when that partie reaches out again randomly . Before you really shut it down, as well as prevent future relationships like this from popping up again, it can be helpful to take a step back first. Try to stand in that persons shoes and understand where he or she is coming from. Sometimes, whats happening can be the result of simple miscommunication. Each time you do this person a favor, dont say, Let me know if you ever need anything else unless you actually mean it. Saving face with courtesy comments like these might actually be giving this person the green light to do exactly what youre hoping to avoid. And if youre not careful, youll turn yourself into a walking doormat just by trying to seem polite.I reached out to confidence coach and Muse writer Steve Errey to get his take on this sensitive issue. When you know a relationship is one-sided, and that saying yes will drain, frustrate, or perhaps even damage you, you have every right to make a choice that serves you well, he says. Dont fall into the trap of thinking that tur ning him down makes you a bad person or a selfish one it doesnt.And theres absolutely no harm in being more deliberate with how you use your time in ways that are meaningful for you. Theres a huge difference between being generous with your time and attention where its appropriate and being a bottomless pit or a people-pleaser, Errey explains. If youre worried about going down that slippery slope again with an old contact, youre completely justified in shutting down the situation before it even starts. And to do so, you have two options Be honest or deflect.Be HonestBe straightforward about your position if you cant help at the moment, if you feel this person always asks too much of you, or if you think he doesnt return the favor. Of course, its also important to recognize that at the end of the day, a relationship isnt a transaction either. Know the difference between expecting reimbursement and feeling used. And if youre sure that this person has always been self-serving from the start, then it could be helpful to just let him know where you stand. This sort of conversation might be best face-to-face, and your overall message can be simple To be honest, our last few interactions didnt sit quite right with me. I love to help out whenever I can, and I appreciate you keeping me updated every now and then- but Im worried thats all our relationship is turning into.It may be hard for him to hear, but it could clear things up in your relationship or, if anything, how he treats people in general. Knowing where youre at will help this person realize that you may not be the best avenue for achieving his goals. And as an added plus, if he values your relationship on top of that (but just has a bad way of showing it), youre also providing insight as to how the situation could be improved.Or DeflectYou dont have to go into all the dirty details if you dont want to. Sometimes, the best way to save face might be to leave whats buried be- and exit gracefully while you still can. According to Errey, Other people have the right to ask for something they need, just as you have the right to say no. This doesnt have to be a big dramatic moment of two clashing sides.If youre simply not confrontational, or you believe your life is just fine with the people currently in it, its OK if you dont want to rock the boat. Stopping this person in her tracks doesnt have to be a huge deal. Errey recommends using simple bite-sized phrases to get your message across without doing too much explaining. It can be as simple as letting her know that nows not the best time for you to get back in touch. Im so sorry, that wont work for me right now or Thanks so much asking, but Im going to have to decline will do the trick just fine. Saying no to someone can be hard, even if its the best thing you could be doing for yourself. Just the idea of looking cold or uncooperative might push you to say yes, but do your best to stand your ground.Trying to make everyone think wonderful th oughts about you will drive you crazy, and its all about the pursuit of external validation in order to feel good or worthy, Errey says. So make a decision thats based on the fact that youre already worthy and already good enough.If a self-serving contact from your past is trying to reconnect, ask yourself what about your behaviors might have encouraged her to want to rekindle that one-sided relationship. How you handle the situation ultimately is how you communicate to that person- as well as yourself- about whether or not you will tolerate that behavior. Photo of person on phone courtesy of lzf/Getty Images.